Fraternizing with the Enemy

"If your enemy is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him. If your opponent is temperamental, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them. If sovereign and subject are in accord, put division between them. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected."
- Sun Tzu, the Art of War

You want to be let in, you want to breach a wall, as if you are entitled to some "set of openness" that masquerades as honesty. Honestly, it is not, and you are not entitled.

Do you really want openness?

That.

That works both ways. You always deserve honesty.

That, that I can give unequivocally.

It merely comes to an economic proposition, a cost-benefit analysis: how much for you, what will you give me; how much for me, how much should I give you?

Do I want to give at all? Self-doubt, worry, esteem, fear, exhaustion, lackawanna all raise their vestigial, bestial heads.

Do I feel vulnerable because of your interest? Fuck Yes. But that's on me.

[ahgggh throw down, let us throw down, right here, right now, raw]

I see no benefit for me to reveal. A reveal gives you a package, an overall view, an envelope that shows you what I have accomplished, mistakes I've made. But it doesn't show you what that soil, that compost, that nurturing environment has created, the 'me' that is me today.

I want you to know the me that is the me blossoming now out of that soil, that fire, that roiling sea, that tornado.

You have engaged me intellectually, in an emotional way. Now I feel quizzical; perhaps I should rephrase: you have engaged me emotionally, in an intellectual way.

I am very aware that you will not be seeing this from me, not now anyway, so I'm filing this under "openness."

But I had teased you with a cost-benefit analysis.

I have no reason to reveal myself to you. You are far and a not a fantasy, not a flavor, not a future or a tease. Or are you?

I have held myself in great restraint with you, and I have